Gym Class Heroes and Dancing Machines!

10-24-09
Hello, Goldberg addicts! The cast and crew got back on track this weekend after some time off. I personally found the break in production to be entirely unnecessary, but some less-dedicated members of the crew wanted to visit their friends and families. But here on "All That Glitters is Goldberg", we are all friends and family. Like a big happy family of friends.



Back when I was in grade school, gym class was an embodiment of fear, lack of self-confidence, and humiliation. But on this particular shoot, it was all about giggles, chuckles, and har-dee-har-hars. Famous actor/comedian Dave Reynolds made a cameo appearance as Mr. Ticklebag, the phys ed teacher. He knows a lot about sports, and is a fellow calcium fiend! We got along swell.



The next thing we shot was a school dance! Once again, school dances were often traumatic, painful experiences that I would prefer to remain in the past. But this dance was a hoppin', boppin' romp-stomp! I truly pity those sorry souls who were not in attendance to be a part of this all-around funfest!



Who knew Jake Goldberg could dance? Well, actually, I did know that. But I imagine most people don't. Actor Tyler Nash on the other hand...well let's just say I've been more impressed by the dancing at my 3-year-old niece's ballet recital. And those 3-year-olds couldn't dance for Bo Diddley's shit.



My only criticism about the dance is that they didn't play any Captain Beefheart. But what are ya gonna do.

Burn down the disco!
-Marvin

Weekend Update

10-10-09 / 10-11-09
Whenever they do "Weekend Update" on SNL, I can't help but think how unprofessional it seems when compared to "All That Glitters is Goldberg." These supposedly "talented" actors are obviously amateur, and have no sense of comedic timing whatsoever. The writing lacks depth, and fails to be humorous on almost every occasion. Just something for the NBC executives to think about when considering whether or not to cancel Saturday Night Live after this season.



This weekend was an extremely productive one, as always. Chock full of burnt-out hippies, shirtless cyborgs, and sexual abuse. I was honored to once again appear in a scene with my favorite Hollywood actor Jake Goldberg. I was informed that the next shoot will be my final shoot as an actor on this show, which evokes a bittersweet feeling inside of me. The bitter part is that I don't want this show to be over, and the sweet part is that once this show becomes nationally syndicated, I'm going to be knee-deep in bitch-milk.



By the way, as a self-described "music-liker", I thought I'd fill you in on what song I'm currently listening to each week. This week's song: "The Milkman of Human Kindness" by Billy Bragg. I don't know exactly why, but I really feel a connection to this beautiful song. Maybe it's because I had a friend growing up named Willy, which is similar to Billy. Yeah...that's it.

I'll leave an extra pint!
-Marvin

Step Into the Light!

10-4-09
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't a little bit jealous of Jake Goldberg. I mean, who isn't? He's got a supportive wife who regularly schedules his doctor's appointments, an exquisite house with an old-fashioned fireplace and a painted interpretation of "The Communist Manifesto", and, most importantly, his own TV show.
Now I've got a wife (she insults me in front of our children and has an addiction to internet Yahtzee), I've got a house (actually, it's an apartment, and our electricity has been shut off for nearly two weeks now), but there's one thing I don't got: my own TV show.



At least I got to pretend that I did for a day. I'd dreamed about this day for years: the day I got to pretend that I had my own TV show on somebody else's TV show. And now that it's come and gone in the blink of an eye, I wish I could pretend to make it last a little longer. But I milked the limelight for all it was worth, which turned out to be $75. I had to buy a new limelight to replace the one I broke while attempting a backwards cartwheel. Looks like I won't be having electricity for another week.

Gimme some money!
-Marvin

Happy Birthday, Goldberg!

10-7-09
Today is October 7th, one of my favorite days of the year. It's one of my favorite days of the year because it's Jake Goldberg's birthday! Every year on Jake's birthday, I forgo my usual milkman uniform and instead wear what I like to call my "birthday suit." I then perform what I like to call my "birthday dance." Without giving too much away, it involves some of my special "homemade" milk...if you know what I mean.



This is an annual practice that, as much as Jake might deny it, is a lot of fun for everyone involved! I've been doing it for the past four years...ever since Jake's 26th birthday. Holy cow...you made it to 30 years, Jakey! You and Honey might wanna start makin' some Goldberg babies while you can still get it up! Haha! Really, have some kids already! I wanna be a godfather!

From myself and all the employees at the milk factory, Happy Birthday Jake!
-Marvin

Bind Me, Tie Me, Drag Me Down A Hall

10-3-09
Oh, boy! Today was fun and unprecedented! It was funprecedented! Today we got to watch Jake get kidnapped! Fake kidnappings aren't as fun to witness as real kidnappings. But hey, I'll take what I can get!



See ya later! (Once I get the ransom money!)
-Marvin

I Lactate When You Levitate

9-26-09
Whenever I see a homeless person on the street, I give him some free milk. Then I kick him and tell him to "get a job!" But today I realized that some hobos do have jobs. One such hobo is employed as an actor on "All That Glitters is Goldberg." And to be honest, his acting was a breath of fresh air! If only I could say the same for his body odor...



Later that day, we hopped on over to Bang's Funeral Home. Usually when I go to a funeral home, it's to heckle the family members of an individual who died of osteoporosis. But this instance was different. Jake Goldberg treated us to a magic show, and showed us all how to levitate!



Actor Tyler Nash caught on very quickly. Look at the merriment in his face when he finally gets it right! By his big old grin, I would have guessed that he had just successfully completed the process of pasteurization for the first time!



Float on!
-Marvin

I'm Ready For My Close-Up, Mr. Picarello!

9-21-09
Haha, I love purposely misquoting "Sunset Boulevard" so it pertains to my own life! This night shoot was my big premiere as an actor. I must say, show business is a lot like the milk business. It takes patience, finesse, and requires you to deal primarily with titties.



But being around shirtless men isn't the only fun thing about being a night owl! We got to use road flares on this shoot! Usually when any sort of pyrotechnics are involved, I'm on the sidelines, ready to douse any unruly flames with a jug of 2% milk. Luckily, things didn't get out of hand, and only a few crew members suffered third-degree burns.



That's a wrap!
-Marvin